What Happened To Our Plans?

Today is Abbie’s 12th birthday, where on earth has the time gone? I remember clearly the 110 mile trip to be at the hospital when her mum was in labour and the anxious wait until the nurse brought her out and she was handed to me.  It does make me feel ancient though, I remember feeling old when my children got to secondary school age but this is my grandchild! Do I feel old enough to have a 12 year old grandchild? Mentally NO, physically YES!

I’m sitting here waiting for her to wake up so she can open her presents and my mind is working overtime. I had so many things I wanted to do and now I just see myself sat stagnating, feeling like I have achieved very little and the years are going nowhere. I brought up 3 children of my own (not very successfully or I wouldn’t have custody of 2 of my grandchildren) and now is supposed to be time for me and my husband, but it’s not. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret the situation we are in, it’s really nice being such a big part in their lives (most days anyway) but I feel we’ll be too old to get what we want by the time they are adults.

One of the hardest things is finding people to talk to who understand. We have very little in common with people who have children the same age as they tend to be 20/30 years younger than us. But, we also have little in common with people the same age who have raised their families and are now enjoying their new found freedom.

This isn’t the vision we had planned once the (first lot of) children had left home, but it’s what we’ve got and we will work through it, like we always do.



Financial Matters For Kinship Carers

When you start to raise your Grandchildren if you are working you might need to give up work to look after them. This of course can cause major financial worries but help is available. We are quite lucky as I am self-employed and my husband isn’t working due to illness. I can work around the children when necessary so it works quite well for us. This is a very basic guide to the benefits you may be entitled to:

Child Benefit: This is a tax-free payment unless you or your partner have an individual income of more than £50,000. You can claim child benefit for each child that you are responsible for whether they are ‘your’ children or not. The current Child Benefit weekly rates are £20.30 for the first/eldest child and £13.40 for each other child.

Child Tax Credits: This is paid to you if you are responsible for at least one child or young person who normally lives with you. You don’t have to be working to claim Child Tax Credit.

Working Tax Credits: This is based on the hours you work and get paid for, or expect to be paid for. You can claim whether you’re an employee or a self-employed person. But unpaid work doesn’t count for Working Tax Credit.

Childcare & Tax Credits: You could get extra tax credits to help pay for some of your childcare costs while you’re working. You must work at least 16 hours a week. Couples usually have to work at least 16 hours a week each.

There are more payments available such as guardians allowance but I would advise contacting your local benefits office for details as these vary across the country.

Your Life With Grandchildren

As I stated in an earlier post grandparents in particular seem to be the major carers of children and many say how lonely and exhausting it can be. You can feel very isolated as your other friends won’t be in the same position as you. Finding other people to talk to can also be difficult. Most people with children the age you are looking after are invariably 20+ years younger.

When you first get the children it can seem very claustrophobic, You can’t do things that other people of your age can. You have no freedom to do the things that you want to do anymore.

Having the children living with you is a total impact on your life. Any plans you had for when your own children left home just fly out of the window. It’s hard when you realise that this could be your life for the next 17 years (only 12 years to go in our case)!

I must be honest, at times I have though “this is not my life”. Please don’t feel guilty if you are in the same situation as we are and you have felt the same thing, it’s normal. Trying to keep up with the children is difficult. When my children were small I had the energy to run round after them. Now, my energy levels seem non existent and it makes it so hard when you have energetic children who never stop! This again leads to feeling guilty that you are not doing right by them.

When things seem bad please remember that the children would be in a worse situation if it wasn’t for you. One of the main things children need is love and you are giving them plenty of that by being there for them. All you can do, is do your best, your Grandchildren will have the best upbringing you can give them.

Please Take In Your Grandchildren

This is taken from http://www.grandparents-association.org.uk/

“Please take in your grandchildren” said the social workers

The Grandparents’ Association often hears from grandparents who have had to take in, and raise, their grandchildren with little notice – even out of the blue. It’s sometimes known as the midnight call syndrome when a call or visit from a social worker can turn a grandparent’s life upside down.  Many talk about how they had no choice – they wanted to keep their grandchildren out of care in any way they could.

“ We were fast asleep.  It was a social worker saying they had got our grandchildren and were putting them into emergency care – but wanted to check if we could look after them – preferably permanently.  Of course we took them in!”

Here we share some help and guidance from grandparents from across the world  for those who are suddenly faced with taking in their grandchildren.

How should I deal with the children?

If you have not been prepared for your grandchildren suddenly to come into your care there will be a host of things to deal with. There are the obvious practical issues, such as where does everyone sleep, how do we clothe the children, how do we stretch the budget, and what will everyone eat? There are emotional issues, too: a turmoil of feelings that you and the children will be coping with.

Are they in shock?

Be prepared for the fact that the children will no doubt be in shock. They have gone through whatever trauma has brought them to you – and they are likely to be upset and scared. They might show their feelings by being quiet and withdrawn, angry and rude, or they might follow you around and cry, wanting attention and reassurance.

There may be times when you hear things that you wish you hadn’t. There will undoubtedly be times when you will have feelings that overwhelm you just as they do the children. These are normal grief reactions in a difficult situation and you or your grandchildren, or both, may need professional help in order to deal with them.

“I would not have given up my freedom, great social life and holidays with friends to start over again with bringing up a child on my own, having to find a babysitter on the rare occasions I now go out socially, if I did not wholeheartedly love and wish to provide my grandson with the best possible future in the unfortunate circumstances we find ourselves in.”

Love and reassurance

Your grandchildren will benefit most from knowing that you love them  at this point and reassurance that they are safe and that you are not going to leave them. Hugs are important if they are willing to accept them and most importantly they will want to know what to expect from you. You need to let them know what you are doing to help make life better for them here and now.

Start by establishing some ground rules

Children like to know what’s expected of them. What they can do now they’re living at your house? For example – what time should they go to bed, what time should they get up? If they feel scared during the night let them know where you are and if it is okay to wake you up. Let them know about meal times and what there are for snacks – children that have been through a time of neglect are often malnourished. They might eat larger meals than you expect. They may be used to food being scarce and might take to hoarding food. Let them know that there is enough to go around – and encourage them to talk about their concerns and fears.

Talk with the children

You may have to rebuild trust if the children feel let down and betrayed. Older children may need to be encouraged to talk – one of the best ways to do that is to listen carefully to them. Nobody is perfect but, in the early days especially, however harassed or frustrated you feel, find other ways to let it out than around the children!  If they have been in an abusive household they will not trust you if you yell or smack them and you’ll have lost important ‘ground’ with them that you’ll have to rebuild.

Normal mixed feelings

Don’t get cross with yourself if you feel confused. One minute you may have an overwhelming need to comfort and protect your grandchildren – and the next you may be  longing for someone to just take them off your hands for a while.  That’s normal.

Medical check ups

It is a good idea for the children to have a check up with the doctor soon after they come into your care.  Children who have been through times of neglect might not have had medical or dental checks for some time so make this a priority. This introduces them to their new doctor and it lets you know whether there are any problems you need to address.  Find out if they have been immunised for instance.

Look after yourself

You may not be the type to ask for help – or ever to have thought of seeking counselling in your life. But you will find there are times when you really need an ear and some professional guidance to help you over some of the hurdles.  Things that could help:

•    Make an appointment with your local GP and let her/him know your situation and see what advice is on offer. Your GP can refer you to counseling services and some have counselors working in their practice.

•    Get some regular exercise – walking is really beneficial – as is getting out in nature.

•    Take time out for yourself – quiet time that is yours each day. Children can learn that you need times like this and they can be occupied doing something quietly as well.  Listening to music, doing something creative or just having a short snooze can be very beneficial.

Kinship Carers

Kinship Care In The UK Is Rising

The Children and Young People’s Act 2008 states that family and friends care should be the first option when children cannot live with their parents.  Some kinship children live in informal arrangements, whilst others live under different types of legal arrangements. In recent years there has been a substantial increase in the number of Special Guardianship Orders granted for previously looked after children.

A series of court judgements have indicated that local authorities need to give greater regard to family members when looking at long term placements for children who cannot live with birth parents.

The latest UK figures I could find showed that there are up to 300,000 children being raised by their grandparents, other family members or friends. An estimated 200,000 of these are grandparents.

Many Grandparents don’t have their Grandchildren living with them but they do care for them on a regular basis. Latest figures show that there are approximately 14 million Grandparents in the UK. One in every three people over the age of 50 years old is a Grandparent.

In the past two generations, the number of children being cared for by their Grandparents has increased substantially from 33% to 82%. Almost two-thirds of all Grandparents (approx 5 million) regularly look after their Grandchildren.